My life had become unmanageable

We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and behaviors, that our lives had become unmanagable.

Celebrate Recovery Step 1

I know nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

Romans 7:18

I have spent a long time suffering. It’s strange how I can know WHERE the Light is, WHO the Light is, what the Word says about this great Light and yet weep bitterly in the dark. It’s the disconnect in Christianity. It was for me, and I have seen it in other people as well.

I came to my faith in Christ gradually over the course of my life (Don’t worry I prayed “the prayer” – you don’t need to send me email about that😊) It wasn’t until college that I learned, in part, what it meant to be a disciple of Christ. As He laid the foundation of my life with Him in those years, I made the mistake of thinking that this was THE truth like. Like, the ONLY truth. Make no mistake here, I’m NOT saying I no longer believe that JESUS is the truth. I’m saying there was so much more to Him than I originally thought.

I’ve struggled with depression since I was in middle school and I would definitely say that I see everything from these glasses. As much as it can be incredibly difficult to live with depression, it is also, in some ways, one of the greatest gifts from the Lord at times. It brings me to my knees over and over and, quite literally, to the end of myself. Sometimes, I am sick of myself. The same old stuff still going on.

The most beautiful thing I have ever known in my life is getting to know and experience the love of God in the person of Jesus Christ. There is no greater joy or peace or comfort or hope in this life for me. Period.

In the early years of learning what it means to be a Christian, I made the mistake of thinking I needed to make every Christian I know proud of me. I thought I needed to be right in everyone’s eyes – HELLO! Impossible!!! I also made the mistake of thinking that the majority of the Christians I was around were sincere in their commitment to Christ and their friendship to me. It broke me down to see what I thought were close friends walk away from Christ or from me. It is what it is. So many other people have experienced this as well and it’s a hard thing to learn.

Something else I didn’t anticipate is how strongly the actions of other people would impact my faith in God. I didn’t realize that I was getting into destructive thought patterns as a defense mechanism. What I was doing to protect my faith in God was actually causing my heart to harden and my doubt to grow. It was turning me into someone I didn’t recognize or like.

Over the course of a lot of years, I learned to ignore convictions I had about my attitude, about resentment, about the anger I had. I chose to hold on to my anger and it changed me. I came to a point in my life where I felt like things in our home were getting out of control. I (we) needed SOMETHING to change or I wasn’t sure where we were headed.

This is what drew me to Celebrate Recovery. It’s not just a place for drug addicts and alcoholics. It’s a place for anyone who hurts, habits or hangups. It’s a church where people lead with their problems. As each person introduces themselves (from the pastor to any person you might run into) to you, it’s “I’m a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I struggle with ____.” This allows me to relax and admit I’ve got hurts, habits, and hangups, too.

In that kinda space, I feel the freedom to lay it all out there without judgment and actually begin to sort through it and grow. I can do that because they’re all doing it, too. So, we sharpen each other and give each other courage to walk on our wobbly legs back to God and to truth and the freedom that only comes from Him.

I’m telling you about this because I want you to know, it exists. There is someplace you can go to heal and grow and belong.

About Jacqueline Presley

Owner/Author Creative Outpour. Member of Arkansas Women Bloggers & Northwest Arkansas Bloggers. Jacqueline lives in Springdale, AR with her husband Spencer & her two children Katie (9) & Jackson (7).

Comments

  1. Brenda Duggins says

    Proud of you!! My family has been involved in Celebrate Recovery off and on for years and I was a proud member of the Depression and Anxiety Small group!! Praying you grow on your journey and KNOW you are not alone!!

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